This won't be fun.

Oh well…what can it hurt to try…??

ONLY MY HEART! So since I told my bf of 12 years I wanted to break up with him it has been a roller coaster. He still wants to remain cordial, where I just don’t even want to talk to each other. I am one of those. I can’t address my fears, can’t look people in the eye when having a serious conversation, and need to remove myself from hurtful situations. I can’t play nice. I want things to be the way they used to be between us. I never wanted to be in a relationship where I would be sleeping on the couch because it hurts to much to lay next to him. We have at least a month and a half to live together. Since this “break up” I have been extra horny which is rare for me. So that sucks because I just can’t use my “ex” bf as a friends with benefits because that will mess with my heart and head even more. So then to day he texts me like everything is normal, like he always does. I text back and try to be flirty, but then I think why am I doing this? I keep holding out hope that he will convince me I have made the wrong decision, but what if my heart gets broken? What if he doesn’t care? This gray area is the part I don’t like. We still have to live together and be civil together. I just don’t want to be TOO civil. He makes it look like everything is all good on his end, while on my end I have a few drinks before bed just so I can get to sleep. I cry to much. I can’t eat half the time. It is hard to except that I brought all this on myself and now I just have to be a big girl and deal with it. But do I play along and keep hoping we can work this out or do I shut down to protect myself? It seems more fun to play along….it may make it hurt more in the long run, but maybe it will change something.